Avery's Antics 4.3

 

"Oma, how old are you?"

"How old do you think I am?"

"37?"

"That's right!"

"What a lucky guess!"

"Why are there rainbows?"
"That's the sign God gave us to promise He will never flood the Earth again."
"Why did He flood the Earth?"
"Do you remember what the Bible said?"
"Oh yeah. God flooded the Earth to rinse away all the bad guys."

"Mom, can you eat dolphins?"

"Can Daddy some day do his job from Sesame Street? I'd really like to move there." 
 (the day Sesame Street would need Daddy's brand of work would be a sad day indeed!)

"Let's make up songs, ok? I'll go first. This song is called Dangerous Wood." (proceeds to sing an entire song about trees acquiring chicken pox and infecting people with their splinters)

"When will I be allowed to drink soda?"
"When you're older."
"Like, when I'm 21?"
"Yup."
"Ok, sounds good." (complete with a big thumbs up)

"Why are shots sharp?"
"Because your skin is tough and they have to get the medicine into your blood so it can help you. The needle is sharp to get through your skin to your blood."
"When I grow up I'm gonna make a shot that's super soft and snuggly so that kids won't be scared of them anymore."
"I think that is a GREAT idea. Will I get a cut of your outrageous profits?!"
"What's a profit?"
"Just say 'Yes,' kid."

"Who's singing this song?"
"Bob Marley"
"Oh. I like Barb and Molly."  

My cousin Zach recruited me to help him with his plan to propose to his girlfriend Lauren. Earlier in the day the kids and I met him at the beach to finalize plans. I wanted to do some test shots of where he intended to propose so that I could determine the best camera angle for later that night...
Zach: "Avery, will you come over here and pretend to be Lauren?"
She looks at him with a furrowed brow and worried glance, "Ok... but not forever."

Avery's Antics 4.2

"Do crabs pee?"

"Mom, what's a home birth?"

"How do you say penis in Chinese?"

"My life is so hard. I have a really rough life."
"Avery, you do not have a hard life. You have clothes to wear, food to eat, friends to play with, and a family that loves you. Why is your life hard?"
"Because I really wanted those princess spaghetti-o's and you wouldn't buy them for me."

Holds up a quarter - "Mom, is this George Washington?"
"Yes."
Holds up a nickel - "And is this Hamilton Wrinkleknees?"

"I wish we could marry our brothers. I just love him so much and I don't want him to leave and marry some other wife."

"I totally pissed out."
"Excuse me?! What are you talking about?"  
"In the car... when we were driving home last night. I was really tired and pissed out in the car."

Avery's Antics 4.0

Matt: "Hey Avery, wanna give Daddy a foot massage?"
"No! Your feet have too many chemicals on them!"
(We think she meant callouses.) 

"Avery, go tell Daddy that he lost the bet, so he should be up here putting Lear to bed."
She runs downstairs...
"Daddy! Mommy says you lost the bet. You need to go find it!"
  
"How do you stop the car?"
"There's two pedals I push with my feet, the brake makes us stop and the gas makes us go."
"Is there a princess pedal that you push and a magical umbrella pops out?!"
"Nope. No princess pedal."
(Very disappointed)  "Oh."

 History, according to Avery:
"There were these bad guys that didn't like Jesus. And they were in America before Daddy killed them. They put Jesus on an "X." But then Daddy got them out of America and saved Jesus."   

Matt: "Avery, when you do things like that (disobeying) Mommy and I get frustrated with you."
"When I do that, I get frustrated with MYSELF!"

Avery's Antics 3.6

 

"Why did you show that guy your ticket?"
"I had to show the guard my ID because this is a military base and only people in the military can shop here."
(very enthusiastically) "Is GIGI (great grandma) in the military?!" 
"hahaha.... no."

Going down the stairs...
"I'm so glad I have knees!!! I couldn't bend my legs or go down stairs if I didn't have knees."

Reading Goldilocks and the 3 Bears...
"Why do they all have their own beds?"
"Because they each need somewhere to sleep."
"Yeah, but why are the Daddy and Mommy bear not sleeping in the same bed?!"
"Hmm..." 

Avery and I were out playing baseball in the neighborhood park. After sending a couple of pitches too high she says, "It's a good thing you're just a Mommy and not a baseball player!"
Killin' my field of dreams, kid.

"I'm wearing shorts OVER my leggings so nobody can see my pantylines."
(hmm... maybe I should not have tried to explain thong undies to her!)

Coming home from being at preschool all day:
"It looks like you didn't get much done today, Mom."

Avery's Antics 3.5

"Avery... why did you rip up all this toilet paper?!"
"I was feeding the duckies!"

"How do you say 'adios' in spanish?"

"If you don't get me a snack, I'm gonna go into beast-mode!!!"

"What does Daddy do at work?"
"He protects our country."
"Why?"
"Well, America is like a castle. And Daddy is like a knight. He protects the castle from any bad guys that want to come in."
Thinks for a minute...
"So does he go where the bad guys are and have a gun and a sword and a stick to poke them in the eye?!"
"Um, yeah. Something like that." 

I told Avery to give me a sassy pose and this is what I got... Lord help us!

Avery's Antics 3.4

"Let's watch Beauty and the Beef."

Me to Lear: "Are you gonna be happy if I sit you on my lap or do I need to put you in your swing?"
Avery: "Mom, why are you giving him options?"

Working in the backyard, I leave Avery to watch Lear in his bouncer seat to run inside for something. Return a minute later to him and Avery holding STICKS (!)
"Avery!!! Lear cannot have sticks yet. He's too little and will poke his face."
"But MOoOOooM, we're roasting marshmallows!!!!"

"Why are Daddies bigger than Mommies?"
"Usually adult boys are just taller than adult girls."
"I know why Daddies are taller. It's so that when I ride on his shoulders I can touch the sky."

"Those yum-yums (dessert) were so good tonight. They have lots of protein, don't they."

Talking to Matt via Skype, he says to Avery: "I can see a booger in your nose!"
"Oh, that's 'cause it's falling out. I'll push it back up there." 
And, indeed, pushes it back in. Ha!  

Wearing her princess outfit and holding her play phone:
"Who are you talking to?"
"I'm texting my prince."

Avery earns a quarter every night that she picks up all her toys. At the store the other day with "her money," trying to decide what to buy, she stopped at a rack of un-inflated foil balloons.
"Mom, I want to buy one of these."
"Ok. We will have to take it to the counter to get it inflated."
"No, I don't want a regular balloon. I want a tooting balloon!"
Yes. My daughter was sorely disappointed to learn she wasn't buying a whoopie-cushion!

"Lear is Nemo today!"

 

Bonus Feature - Husband Humor:
Me: "Lear really is such a happy baby. Unless he's hungry or tired, he's smiling all the time."
Matt:"Well, yeah. He's a dude. If I were suckin' on boobies 5 times a day, I'd be smiling like that too!"

Avery's Antics 3.3

"Lear and I are best buds, aren't we Mom?"

"How long do I have to stay in my room for quiet time?"
"One Hour"
"That's too looooong!!!"
"Ok then, you only have to stay up there 60 minutes."
"Yes, that's better."

"Mommy, who's your best friend?"
"Daddy is."
**Pause while she thinks...**
"No, who's your best friend that doesn't live with us?"

Putting Avery to bed...
"Mommy, your breath smells like dead flies."

Me, to Matt, while flipping thru Netflix (very sarcastic) -
"YES! They've got Justin Bieber's documentary!"
Avery: "I don't really like jumpin' beavers."

Avery's Antics 3.2

"Baby Beau's drinkin' from my blueberries, too." (yes, for some unknown reason she calls the nips blueberries)


"Mom, you're a genius! What does genius mean?"


"Dude, wipe this off!"
"Avery, how do we ask nicely for help?"
"Dude, wipe this off ... please."


Daddy: "Avery, you're so smart and beautiful."
"I sure am!"

Avery's Antics 3.1

I come downstairs and all her dollhouse people are lined up like this...

"Avery, what are your dolls doing?"

"They're watching me dance and clapping for me!"

( I especially love the fact that the Daddy is sitting on the toilet. )

In a very demanding tone:

"Take me to Starbucks for dinner!"

(Disclaimer - neither Matt nor I drink coffee, so this was all the doing of an OmaOpa visit, ha ha ha! (Disclaimer for the disclaimer - they never actually took her there for a meal.))

"Mommy, Mommy!!! I can't go potty because there's poo-poo crumbs in the toliet!"


"Daddy, can you fix Mommy? She's a grump."


Santa: "What's your name?"
"Avery."
"And what would you like for Christmas this year, Avery?"
"A purple and pink magnifying glass, so I can burn ants."

Avery's Antics 3.0

Super excited about her "very own" new digital camera!

While watching Monday Night Football...
"I love you, Avery."
"Um, I love the Raiders."
(Daddy would be so proud)

Reading a book at bedtime...
"There's the baby bird with his Mommy bird and brothers and sisters."
"That's not his Mommy, that's his Daddy."
"Oh, how can you tell?"
"He doesn't have eyelashes."

I got really frustrated trying to run errands with Avery the other day. She was messing around and just wouldn't get back into her carseat. I let out an "Aarrgh!" sound to vent and she says -
"You need to take two deep breaths Mommy. Like this... (breathes in thru her nose, out thru her mouth)"
"Thanks kiddo."
Gotta love a good dose of your own anger management.

"Time for a nap, Avery."
"Are you kidding?!!?"
"Um, no."

While driving...
"Mommy, why is that man taking a nap on that bench? He needs to go to his bedroom."
"Well, sweetheart, I think that man doesn't have a bedroom. He probably doesn't have a job and doesn't have any money to pay for a house, so he sleeps on that bench."
"Well, he should call the police. They can help him find his house."
*sigh* The innocence of youth...

Avery's Antics 2.3

"How do you get married?"
Well, once you are older and you find a boy who is your best friend and who loves Jesus as much as you do, and you want to spend your life with him, then he will ask you to marry him.
"When I'm old enough Daddy will pick a boy for me. That's his job."


"You can't say sh*t. That's a bad word."


"Why can't chicks drive?" 
What do you mean?
"Daddy said chicks can't drive."


"Queens have birthday parties and Kings go to work."

Avery's Antics 2.2

Running up to me with her play phone, "Mommy, I need you help me text somebody!"

After tooting on me on the couch - "Watch out for land mines." (a term she picked up at a friend's BBQ - they have a dog!)

"Avery you've been standing at the screen door for awhile... What are you doing?" I'm counting the people going by.  *pause*  That's one.  *pause*  That's two..."

Referencing the time (especially close to bedtime): "What thirty is it?" or "What clock is it?"

"What does a policeman say?" "He says you have to wear your seatbelt and drive safely. Those are the rules." "Oh, that's some good instructions."

Avery was in the shower with me and I was itching my belly button. "Don't poke the baby!!!"

Avery's Antics 2.1

Sitting in her highchair eating a snack. I leave the room for a couple minutes and come back to all the pretzels broken up on the floor. "Avery, why are your pretzels on the floor?" "I's just feeding the hippos." 

"Mommy, I fix your hey-ache with my magic wand..."

After doing business in the big potty, "The toilet paper says, hi pee pee, nice to meet you!"

We often talk to Avery about things she can't eat because she's allergic to dairy. Right before naptime she says, "I can't nap. I'm allergic."

These family silhouettes are hanging in the stairwell and Daddy's face came unglued. Avery's response? "Maybe he's tying his shoe"

Avery's Antics

Our budding conversationalist has had Matt and I in stitches lately. Just for posterity, I think I'll occasionally record her random funny comments here...

Cuddling up next to me on the couch she exclaims "Mommy's got a big booty!" Much to the delight and encouraged repetition of my husband. 


After looking all through the house for her daddy - "Daddy's not takin' a deuce... he's in the shower."

Standing in line at the zoo, the teenager behind us has a gnarly black lip ring. (Very loud) "Mommy, what's on her face? Look Mommy, what IS it?!"

Apparently every illustrated man with a beard is Jesus, including the captain depicted on her box of fishsticks. "That's Jesus!"